Friday Prayer.

Oh God.

Today I need You. I need You every day, but today I think I need You a little more. If you were a human Father I can just hear how You would talk about me to Your other parent-friends, “That Hillary is one of my most stubborn children. So stubborn. I pull out so much hair dealing with her.” Thank goodness You are not an earthly Father. I know I fail You daily, multiple times a day, and yet still You love me. With an unconditional love. God I don’t understand it. I never will. But I thank you for it.
“Thank you.” Eight letters that seem so inadequate to say back to the Creator of the galaxies. To the One who so delicately designed all fingerprints different, and yet made the most majestic mountain. But right now God “thank you” is all I have.

God, I’m tired today. I didn’t get much sleep last night and You know why. God I need understanding in this situation. I need some Heavenly wisdom. My heart hurts, and my mind is exhausted from conversations I keep having with myself. I don’t really want a confrontation because guess what God? They make me nervous. And You know what happens when I get nervous. It’s no fun. Of course it can’t be much worse than the feelings I have going on right now. Thank you for Your promise in James 1:5, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” God I’m counting on some answers. But until then, I ask for sustenance. Just help me minute by minute here. I’m so tired God. My Britt Nicole Pandora station is playing worship music in the background but I just want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep. In fact I was lying down hoping for a nap and You wouldn’t allow it. Instead You said to my spirit, “write it out.” That’s kinda funny in a way God because just last night as I was wide awake in the bed, I was worried about what I was going to post next. Here I’d started this blog and was afraid I was going to run out of ideas. But I should’ve known better. You gave me this path, I have been obedient. Why would You set me on a specific course and then let me flounder? Silly me.

So here I am God, blogging my prayer to You.  Blogging tired and fighting tears that threaten to slip down my cheeks and stain my keyboard. I’m fighting them mainly because I’m just sick of crying. It seems to be my summer hobby. I’ve slipped from Your path once or twice this summer taking things into my own hands and trying to write my own story. You would think I would know better. Again, I’m stubborn. Thank you for second and third and fiftieth chances. If this blog has taught me anything it’s that You know what You are doing. God, I haven’t even had the time to answer everyone’s messages and emails concerning this blog. And if you are reading this and have sent me something and I haven’t responded yet, I promise it’s coming. I know I couldn’t do life without an earthly  support system and I have no words at how mine is growing. God you are SO good.

But God You’re calling me to more things outside of my comfort zone – AND THEY SCARE ME. God, are You sure You want me do to what You’re asking? Wouldn’t my mom be better??? I feel far from qualified. God are You trying to change me and my personality completely? I don’t want to fight You, cause I know how it turns out – You win. But some wisdom on this part would be nice too. Just sayin. Just keep speaking to my spirit. I’ll get there God. I will get there.

And God, I want to be a prayer warrior. It’s so odd praying about praying. I don’t do it as often as I should. But what have You commanded? You said to “pray without ceasing” in Thessalonians. Do You know what ‘ceasing’ means God? It means “bring or come to an end.” So God you want me to pray without them coming to an end – continual prayer. God, I want to be that person. I want to cover things and situations and my fears and people in prayer. But God sometimes that is hard because I want immediate responses and answers. And sometimes You just don’t give them quickly enough for me. And that’s when I take off down the road by myself to do things my own way. And then some sticky situation arises and I’ve walked too far ahead of You and to protect myself from said situation I put my guard up. My fists come out to defend myself. My verbiage takes a wrong turn I find myself speaking words that do not sound loving. I try to get myself out of it and make a huge mess. And again, what have you said in Your Word? “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:14) Staying calm. That’s a hard one for me God.

But here I am God. In need of You. To rescue me out a mess. To plant my feet back on Your path designed especially for me. God move around me, and let me feel Your presence. God I love You.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.