What Just Happened?

Where to begin…
Does anyone else’s anxiety sneak up out of nowhere, or is it just me? It amazes me at how fast my mood can change sometimes. I can go from “conquering the world” to “paralyzed on the couch” in less than 5 seconds.

And that just sucks, pardon my language.

Then there’s always the thinking that comes with the mind change…what just happened? What happened today? What happened yesterday? Why am I anxious right now? Where did it come from? I can hear the real me, screaming on the inside, wanting out, but can’t get to her. I think that’s why I always question my days and events to see if I can figure out where the change stemmed from.

So why today? Why just now? Why do I feel uneasy, and why, all of the sudden, do I dread every minute after this one?

Is it because I’m sick with a cold and not up to par?
Is it the text message that changed my day?
Is it because I got unfriended on Facebook and can’t figure out why?
Is it money?
Is it the recent surplus of questions asking if I’m married yet, or engaged, or dating?
(like seriously why have I been constantly asked that the past two weeks???)
Is it my job and career?
Is it that fact that the year is almost over and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing?
Is it the turmoil of the country?
Is it the constant negative info on the news?
Is it the fact that my week was all planned out but today a lot of it is up in the air?

What is it?

I guess if I knew I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this post or even have this blog. I just don’t have any answers. Some how writing my thoughts down helps a bit, because I know there’s someone out there that will read this who is going through the same thing. Sometimes it’s just nice knowing you’re not alone.

 

Quick Reminder.

Today during my devotions I read a verse that stopped me in my tracks.

Romans 9:20 “…Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?”

Whoa.

So many nights, and days, and days and nights, etc., I’ve cried/begged/screamed/pleaded with God as to why I must battle anxiety – “GOD WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL?”

Or in other words, “why have You made me like this?” And then that verse. And then I had to blink and realize that God doesn’t make mistakes. My anxiety has a reason. It has a purpose. I can’t think of one instance where I’ve enjoyed it, or one instance where I’ve been happy about it, but because of my struggles, I have been able to help others. And that is something to thank God for.

No matter what you’re battling tonight, whether it’s an inward, personal battle or an outward one, there is a reason. Today I was reminded not to question God. I may never know the “why” as to why I was created the way I was, but I know there is a purpose, and for today that is enough.

 

Long Time No Talk

Tonight my soul aches. I don’t even know what I’m doing, or why I’m sitting here typing words. I hope if I just keep pressing the keys, some sense will come out of it.  Right now I don’t even think I have a point. I came home just a bit ago, thoughts jumbled, nervous levels rising, my soul weeping – and that quiet, calm Voice said again, “write it out.” I just want to shower, throw the covers over my face, go to sleep, and wake up some time in the future when all this chaos is over. But that’s usually when that Voice makes an appearance.

I’d like to give you a good reason why it’s been so long since my last post. I’d like to say that I’ve been busy making a difference in the lives of others, or chasing my dreams, or making stuff happen, or saving the world, or what-not. But I don’t have a good excuse. I don’t think I’ve done any of those things. And it’s not that I haven’t thought about this blog, or wanted to write something, I’ve just been “busy.” And I just hate that excuse.
I have things I want to say and anxiety stuff I want to write about, but mainly I wait for that quiet, calm Voice that nudges my soul to write – and it’s usually when I don’t want to talk about what’s going on. (If you’re new here you can go read about the initial struggle here.)

In the past month my emotions have been on a roller coaster. And that’s putting in lightly. I’ve found myself in the middle of a battle that has NOTHING to do with me (in fact I’ll be in court tomorrow morning with it – prayers would be appreciated), there have been friends involved in car accidents, friends families dealing with the word “cancer,” a family member voicing thoughts on how they think this blog will hinder me in life, personal struggles, crazy people, a big financial let down, worries over lost souls, and so much more. But there have been mountain-size blessings too, prayers answered, good business dealings…I’ve got food to eat, and clothes to wear, and access to clean water, and a dependable vehicle, and a roof over my head.

But me over here with my anxiety and pessimistic attitude (is that just me, or does anyone else out there with anxiety tend to be negative, always thinking the worst?) can only focus on the bad. My gosh, I wish I was a strong person and could handle it all. I can’t handle much of anything well and it doesn’t make me feel like an adult. The middle of last week there was so much that I literally couldn’t handle people. I just wanted to be alone, in my house, about my business, but by myself. The depression was real and it was a force to be reckoned with. And it hurt. Depression hurts. It envelopes me every now and then like a dark, thick blanket being thrust up in the air and falling down fast and heavy all around me. I should’ve seen it coming with the events of the past few weeks, but I never do. It sneaks up and before I know it my mind is dark and I don’t feel like I’m the one calling the shots. It’s a terrible feeling. Those that know me well try to help and offer advice and I know they mean well and do and say things out of love, but sometimes optimism is just annoying. Anyone else think that? You can get back to me. (If you are reading this and offered some optimism, it’s OK – I love you so much for trying to help.)

The upside about my depression is that it always passes. Usually it’s after lots of prayer and some alone time and lots of chocolate milk and Full House reruns. And while this week I feel much better, there are still certain events and questions I am facing. God has really seemed quiet lately and to be honest with you it’s very frustrating. Even with my praise music on in the car and my prayers going up throughout the day, I am constantly feeling like I’m missing something. But that is for another post, another day.

I’ll wrap up with this… I know life can stink sometimes. I know it’s hard. I know (all too well) that life can be way unfair. And I know it’s because we live in a sin filled world. I know too that God is good and He is greater and mightier than I can even comprehend. I know I am blessed. I know that even on my absolute worst day I have it way better than a lot of people in the world. I know all this. But…

If you are having a rough day or week or month and are depressed I’ll tell you this:

IT IS OK!

You don’t have to look me in the eye and say, “I’m fine.” I won’t try and talk you out of it or offer words of sympathy or optimism unless you want it. I won’t even try and hug you – unless you want it. I think we need to be more honest with each other and quit saying, “I’m fine” when we’re really not. We need to stop with all the busyness and pull out a quilt and watch clouds together. Or drink chocolate milk together. Or have a pajama party and watch Disney movies together. Sometimes we need to talk it out. Sometimes we need to be quiet together. And sometimes we need to be quiet alone. But no one going through a depressing or low point needs to live there. So do what you need to do for it to pass, with someone or alone: pray, cry, pray and cry at the same time, scream, etc. Maybe you or I can’t make the situation or the feelings go away, but believe in the Jesus who holds you in His hands, and He’ll help you out of that valley.

Dear People.

Dear People,

I covet your prayers. Tomorrow I am speaking at The Hangout about obedience to God and my experience with this blog. And I have one jumbled up mess. Normally when I speak publicly, I have an outline, I have points, I have it together. I don’t this time. I’ve tried speaking out loud what I want to say but I can’t make it come together. Would you pray for me? More specifically, would you pray that God would speak through me? I know tomorrow I’ll be a little nervous and I’m sure the enemy will fight hard, so would you pray too that God would hold the enemy at bay?

I am excited to share what I’m learning through this experience, don’t get me wrong. But I want to say it right. When speaking to a room of high school and college-aged young adults, talking about obeying God’s voice is not really something you want to mess up. I desire everything I speak to make sense. I desire to make a change in someone’s life. Because, after all, Jesus has made a change in mine!

Tonight I’m not going to rehearse anymore. I’m just going to cover tomorrow in prayer, going on faith that everything will work out and my words will glorify Him.

But people, I still covet your prayers.

Thank you in advance!
Hillary

Friday Prayer.

Oh God.

Today I need You. I need You every day, but today I think I need You a little more. If you were a human Father I can just hear how You would talk about me to Your other parent-friends, “That Hillary is one of my most stubborn children. So stubborn. I pull out so much hair dealing with her.” Thank goodness You are not an earthly Father. I know I fail You daily, multiple times a day, and yet still You love me. With an unconditional love. God I don’t understand it. I never will. But I thank you for it.
“Thank you.” Eight letters that seem so inadequate to say back to the Creator of the galaxies. To the One who so delicately designed all fingerprints different, and yet made the most majestic mountain. But right now God “thank you” is all I have.

God, I’m tired today. I didn’t get much sleep last night and You know why. God I need understanding in this situation. I need some Heavenly wisdom. My heart hurts, and my mind is exhausted from conversations I keep having with myself. I don’t really want a confrontation because guess what God? They make me nervous. And You know what happens when I get nervous. It’s no fun. Of course it can’t be much worse than the feelings I have going on right now. Thank you for Your promise in James 1:5, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” God I’m counting on some answers. But until then, I ask for sustenance. Just help me minute by minute here. I’m so tired God. My Britt Nicole Pandora station is playing worship music in the background but I just want to lay my head down on the desk and sleep. In fact I was lying down hoping for a nap and You wouldn’t allow it. Instead You said to my spirit, “write it out.” That’s kinda funny in a way God because just last night as I was wide awake in the bed, I was worried about what I was going to post next. Here I’d started this blog and was afraid I was going to run out of ideas. But I should’ve known better. You gave me this path, I have been obedient. Why would You set me on a specific course and then let me flounder? Silly me.

So here I am God, blogging my prayer to You.  Blogging tired and fighting tears that threaten to slip down my cheeks and stain my keyboard. I’m fighting them mainly because I’m just sick of crying. It seems to be my summer hobby. I’ve slipped from Your path once or twice this summer taking things into my own hands and trying to write my own story. You would think I would know better. Again, I’m stubborn. Thank you for second and third and fiftieth chances. If this blog has taught me anything it’s that You know what You are doing. God, I haven’t even had the time to answer everyone’s messages and emails concerning this blog. And if you are reading this and have sent me something and I haven’t responded yet, I promise it’s coming. I know I couldn’t do life without an earthly  support system and I have no words at how mine is growing. God you are SO good.

But God You’re calling me to more things outside of my comfort zone – AND THEY SCARE ME. God, are You sure You want me do to what You’re asking? Wouldn’t my mom be better??? I feel far from qualified. God are You trying to change me and my personality completely? I don’t want to fight You, cause I know how it turns out – You win. But some wisdom on this part would be nice too. Just sayin. Just keep speaking to my spirit. I’ll get there God. I will get there.

And God, I want to be a prayer warrior. It’s so odd praying about praying. I don’t do it as often as I should. But what have You commanded? You said to “pray without ceasing” in Thessalonians. Do You know what ‘ceasing’ means God? It means “bring or come to an end.” So God you want me to pray without them coming to an end – continual prayer. God, I want to be that person. I want to cover things and situations and my fears and people in prayer. But God sometimes that is hard because I want immediate responses and answers. And sometimes You just don’t give them quickly enough for me. And that’s when I take off down the road by myself to do things my own way. And then some sticky situation arises and I’ve walked too far ahead of You and to protect myself from said situation I put my guard up. My fists come out to defend myself. My verbiage takes a wrong turn I find myself speaking words that do not sound loving. I try to get myself out of it and make a huge mess. And again, what have you said in Your Word? “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:14) Staying calm. That’s a hard one for me God.

But here I am God. In need of You. To rescue me out a mess. To plant my feet back on Your path designed especially for me. God move around me, and let me feel Your presence. God I love You.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

 

 

Chest Pains.

They started last Thursday night – chest pains.

A sharp pain around the heart.
A tightness through my lungs.
The feeling of someone sitting on my chest.
Having to work to take a deep breath.
A dullness in my left arm.
Wanting to cry.
Restless sleep.
Bad dreams.
Waking up exhausted.

I’m no stranger to these pains, but I haven’t had them in a while. Some may call them panic attacks, some anxiety attacks. I just call them annoying. I don’t freak out anymore because I know what they are and what mine stem from: stress, being overwhelmed, grief. I know to sniff lavender (or rub some on my neck), or use Rescue Remedy, or take a half a nerve pill, or try breathing exercises, or all of the above. I’ve gotten pretty good at calming myself down. But since they have continued and are starting to plague me now during the day, I’ve made an appointment with Carolyn C. (see Dedicated To page) to see what exactly is going on with my body.

Last week was stressful for me. In fact the whole summer has been challenging. A new job, a bruised (not completely broken) heart, a friend leaving for a year on the mission field, and a death in the family. Sometimes, with my body being so high-maintenance, it says, “We can’t do this anymore, we need some help!” And this time, chest pains have been the way it’s letting me know that. But this past Saturday was my family’s closure from losing my Uncle Greg. Husband to one, son to one, brother to four, uncle to five, and cousin and nephew to many. He died on August 4th in Tennessee from liver, lung, and bone cancer and was cremated. My family and I were out there when he passed. Since he had requested to be cremated, there was no visitation or funeral. A TN celebration of his life was held there a few weeks ago, but his hometown celebration of life was held Saturday. Two hours of family and friends, and stories of and about Greg W. The crowd surprised us all I think. Afterwards, immediate family went and spread some of his ashes where he grew up. I photographed it. My mother tossed her handful of ashes in the shape of a heart. That had to be the most surreal thing I’ve ever captured on camera. But despite the funny stories, and the wonderful memories, grief takes it’s toll on the body. Tears take their toll on the body.

So by the time today rolled around, I had to get out of the house – pains and all. My mama wasn’t so sure I’d want to go anywhere but I. Had. To. I told her, “I need to be outdoors, away from this town. I need to be in a wide open space. I need to turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs.” I warned her I would probably cough. Chest pains always make me cough. It’s as if this black negative mass is stuck right at my throat. So she drove and we talked and sang and I coughed some and spritzed lavender water on my neck every now and then. We hunted down one of the, or the last, remaining seashell-shaped Shell gas station(s) in the country – right in the middle of a (somewhat sketchy) neighborhood in Winston Salem. We discovered the town of Bethania, NC. We sweated at Old Salem and ate supper in Gboro. And it felt good.

My point in this post is this – do what you need to do to let your anxiety or stress out. If you need to run, run. If you need to cry, cry. Scream? Start shouting. Sing at the top of your lungs? Crank up that radio. But don’t let it simmer. Don’t let it just sit. I have learned, and YES sometimes it’s very hard, to never give in to it.

What are some ways you get past panic and anxiety?
Tips?
Thoughts?
Strategies?
I’d love to hear from you!!!

Take my hand, and let’s walk this road of overcoming together.

 

 

 

Late Night Hello.

I’m still on a Jesus-high from the overwhelming support and positivity I have received since launching this blog. I pressed the “post” button last night, turned my computer off, made some chocolate milk, and sat on the couch while rocking back and forth afraid to check any notifications for fear of negativity. I still can’t believe everyone’s encouragement.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I wasn’t planning on writing anything tonight but my mama sent me this quote earlier today and I had to share!
Of course I had to design something a little more appealing 🙂

Let’s move some anxiety mountains people!

“Because you’re not yet taking God seriously,” said Jesus “The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.”
{Matthew 17:20, The Message}

More on my views of anxiety and the Bible later… But for now this simple sentence reminded me that while I don’t understand my struggles, God makes no mistakes in my life.

I say again, let’s move some anxiety mountains!!!

Welcome.

Let me just be honest.
I.
Do.
Not.
Want to do this.

I don’t want to bear my struggles openly with you because I am a private person. No one wants to say to the world, “I have anxiety! I require a little more patience than the average person!”

But.

But, Jesus had other plans. I fought this blog for about 6 months. And then I got on board. I had everything ready to go right before my birthday back in June, and then life went a little awry and it got put on the back burner. And then I was going to cancel it. And then I started praying SPECIFICALLY for God to guide my steps. And with every prayer, He would put this blog on my heart – all night long He would put it there. And so here we are.

I am not sure where this thing is going to go. But I believe in His leading and I believe it’s meant for me to share my story, as much as I still don’t really want to. I’ve become aware of lots of people lately who are suffering with anxiety/panic attacks. Maybe this is for them, maybe it’s for me – just a place to vent and talk and let stuff out. Whatever the reason, I’m trying to be obedient to His plan.

Basically I’ve had enough of anxiety. I’ve had enough of my “comfort zone” and existing. I want to LIVE. (You should see my bucket list.) I want to chase my dreams, and get uncomfortable. I have no idea how that’s going to happen and right now quite frankly typing those words scare the snot out of me. But you know what? That’s OK, I’m ready. This blog will hold me accountable. I hope to dive deep into my walk with Jesus and share with you what I’m learning. I want to really study the body and how the brain works and get to the root of my fears, all the good and all the bad. I’ll write about it and hopefully inspire someone else along the way. Because I think it’s high time those of us living with anxiety and depression have a voice – even if those of us struggling with mental issues are the only ones listening. We have worth too.

I have worth. YOU have worth.

I am here for you.

In Him,
Hillary