Chest Pains.

They started last Thursday night – chest pains.

A sharp pain around the heart.
A tightness through my lungs.
The feeling of someone sitting on my chest.
Having to work to take a deep breath.
A dullness in my left arm.
Wanting to cry.
Restless sleep.
Bad dreams.
Waking up exhausted.

I’m no stranger to these pains, but I haven’t had them in a while. Some may call them panic attacks, some anxiety attacks. I just call them annoying. I don’t freak out anymore because I know what they are and what mine stem from: stress, being overwhelmed, grief. I know to sniff lavender (or rub some on my neck), or use Rescue Remedy, or take a half a nerve pill, or try breathing exercises, or all of the above. I’ve gotten pretty good at calming myself down. But since they have continued and are starting to plague me now during the day, I’ve made an appointment with Carolyn C. (see Dedicated To page) to see what exactly is going on with my body.

Last week was stressful for me. In fact the whole summer has been challenging. A new job, a bruised (not completely broken) heart, a friend leaving for a year on the mission field, and a death in the family. Sometimes, with my body being so high-maintenance, it says, “We can’t do this anymore, we need some help!” And this time, chest pains have been the way it’s letting me know that. But this past Saturday was my family’s closure from losing my Uncle Greg. Husband to one, son to one, brother to four, uncle to five, and cousin and nephew to many. He died on August 4th in Tennessee from liver, lung, and bone cancer and was cremated. My family and I were out there when he passed. Since he had requested to be cremated, there was no visitation or funeral. A TN celebration of his life was held there a few weeks ago, but his hometown celebration of life was held Saturday. Two hours of family and friends, and stories of and about Greg W. The crowd surprised us all I think. Afterwards, immediate family went and spread some of his ashes where he grew up. I photographed it. My mother tossed her handful of ashes in the shape of a heart. That had to be the most surreal thing I’ve ever captured on camera. But despite the funny stories, and the wonderful memories, grief takes it’s toll on the body. Tears take their toll on the body.

So by the time today rolled around, I had to get out of the house – pains and all. My mama wasn’t so sure I’d want to go anywhere but I. Had. To. I told her, “I need to be outdoors, away from this town. I need to be in a wide open space. I need to turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs.” I warned her I would probably cough. Chest pains always make me cough. It’s as if this black negative mass is stuck right at my throat. So she drove and we talked and sang and I coughed some and spritzed lavender water on my neck every now and then. We hunted down one of the, or the last, remaining seashell-shaped Shell gas station(s) in the country – right in the middle of a (somewhat sketchy) neighborhood in Winston Salem. We discovered the town of Bethania, NC. We sweated at Old Salem and ate supper in Gboro. And it felt good.

My point in this post is this – do what you need to do to let your anxiety or stress out. If you need to run, run. If you need to cry, cry. Scream? Start shouting. Sing at the top of your lungs? Crank up that radio. But don’t let it simmer. Don’t let it just sit. I have learned, and YES sometimes it’s very hard, to never give in to it.

What are some ways you get past panic and anxiety?
Tips?
Thoughts?
Strategies?
I’d love to hear from you!!!

Take my hand, and let’s walk this road of overcoming together.

 

 

 

Welcome.

Let me just be honest.
I.
Do.
Not.
Want to do this.

I don’t want to bear my struggles openly with you because I am a private person. No one wants to say to the world, “I have anxiety! I require a little more patience than the average person!”

But.

But, Jesus had other plans. I fought this blog for about 6 months. And then I got on board. I had everything ready to go right before my birthday back in June, and then life went a little awry and it got put on the back burner. And then I was going to cancel it. And then I started praying SPECIFICALLY for God to guide my steps. And with every prayer, He would put this blog on my heart – all night long He would put it there. And so here we are.

I am not sure where this thing is going to go. But I believe in His leading and I believe it’s meant for me to share my story, as much as I still don’t really want to. I’ve become aware of lots of people lately who are suffering with anxiety/panic attacks. Maybe this is for them, maybe it’s for me – just a place to vent and talk and let stuff out. Whatever the reason, I’m trying to be obedient to His plan.

Basically I’ve had enough of anxiety. I’ve had enough of my “comfort zone” and existing. I want to LIVE. (You should see my bucket list.) I want to chase my dreams, and get uncomfortable. I have no idea how that’s going to happen and right now quite frankly typing those words scare the snot out of me. But you know what? That’s OK, I’m ready. This blog will hold me accountable. I hope to dive deep into my walk with Jesus and share with you what I’m learning. I want to really study the body and how the brain works and get to the root of my fears, all the good and all the bad. I’ll write about it and hopefully inspire someone else along the way. Because I think it’s high time those of us living with anxiety and depression have a voice – even if those of us struggling with mental issues are the only ones listening. We have worth too.

I have worth. YOU have worth.

I am here for you.

In Him,
Hillary